Erotic Massage Therapy Seattle Based – How Receiving Yoni Massage Helped Me Learn to Trust Men
Before I searched for an erotic massage therapy Seattle based place and discovered yoni massage, I had never in my life been able to fully trust a man. Yoni massage helped me break barriers within my own body that had been put in place when I was a child. It helped me learn how to allow deep physical connection with a man for the very first time in my life.
As a child, I never felt safe around men. My father was a heavy drinker and would often rage at night, sometimes getting violent with my mother or myself and my siblings when we got caught in the way. My father worked too much and was emotionally absent at home. I learned quickly as a child that if I had a need, I should bring it to my mother. My father was not a safe provider for me.
In the later years of my childhood I had several experiences of being victimized by men who were close to my family or in it. I was inappropriately touched and lusted after. On two instances I was sexually assaulted before the age of 14.
I didn’t feel safe around men in public. I always felt like a man might attack me when I was walking alone along the street. As early as my teens, I learned to carry my keys in my fist while walking in case I needed to defend myself with something pointy. I was always on the alert, always looking for how I might be attacked.
I didn’t feel safe in relationships, either. I dated men who were controlling. I often found they had secret lives outside of our relationship and were constantly lying to me and controlling the narrative. I was cheated on countless times. I was physically attacked and raped by men I was supposedly in relationships with. Sex was held over my head like an expectation, like a duty I must perform in order to be a good woman.
It got to the point in my life where I just shut everything down. I decided that men were no longer safe, that sex and pleasure were no longer safe, and that I was just better off pretending like I did not have any sexual needs or desires.
I was really lonely and depressed for a good many years. Almost a decade. A part of me was completely shut down, denied – dead to me. When I couldn’t access pleasure anymore it was like I was numb. Life became colorless and I just went through the motions for years. I pretended I was happy, because I was no longer having to deal with the problem of men, but, deep down, I was definitely not happy.
Deep down, I wanted to know what the experience was like of actually enjoying and trusting the touch of a man. I wanted to know what was possible for me to experience in the realms of pleasure. I wanted to know if I could be like other women who were sexually free and deeply satisfied by their partners.
I felt like I was living this half-lived life, and like there must be so much more for me to experience. A deeper level of experience. A richness. I was tired of being alone and I was beginning to wake up to the possibility that I might actually want more from my life. I wanted a new experience.
This is when I discovered yoni massage. At first, I was completely freaked out. The idea of a strange man giving me pleasure seemed like something I would never do. Like, it just seemed so crazy to let someone you don’t know touch you that way!
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However, the more I watched videos and read about other women’s experiences, the more curious I became. This was supposed to be a practice that was an opportunity for healing. At first, I really didn’t understand how it could possibly be healing to allow a stranger to touch your private parts.
And that is when I began to understand the power behind the ability to choose what you want to experience during a yoni massage. A yoni massage practitioner gives you a list of experiences that are available to choose from, and you get to decide what you are and are not available to experience.
This is a scenario I had literally NEVER experienced with a man before in my life – the ability to choose the pleasure I experience as if from a menu?! My whole life, all I had experienced was being at the mercy of men’s desires – my desires had literally never played a roll in my sexuality before.
Isn’t that crazy?? I realized that in all of my life, I had only made an effort to give men what they want in order to avoid disappointing them or experiencing the pain of their rejection. I had never really spent time thinking about what I wanted to experience through a man’s touch before.
Even just the experience of sitting with the “menu” and considering what my options could be felt extremely liberating and like it opened parts of me back up that had long been deadened. Feeling into my body, questioning what would feel good. On this menu, there were choices that felt like easing into touch. There were options to try things with clothes on. There were options for soothing, relaxing, platonic touching. There were options that were more like a tease, without actually “going there.”
The whole point of the menu, I understood, was that once selections were made, the healing opportunity was in the ability to lean back and trust that the yoni massage practitioner would stay within the bounds of what you have selected. So this is where the opportunity to trust men anew and to open to receiving pleasure lies.
I sat with my desires for a long time before I finally made my first appointment. The yoni massage practitioner was friendly – he seemed harmless enough. He sat me down and asked me to provide clarity around exactly what I wished to experience, and to make it clear if there was anything I definitely did not want to experience.
I told him that I had a painful history with men and that my desire was to learn to trust on a new level that I had never experienced before. I told him I knew that this would likely require multiple sessions and may not be easy for me to go through. He explained that often women who have troubled histories with men experience emotional release during a yoni massage, and that I was welcome to fully experience any emotion that came up during the process.
To be honest, that sounded terrifying, but hearing it from him also felt oddly comforting. I chose to have my first session fully clothed, and to just allow him to touch me sensually. It took me a long time during the session to allow myself to stay with my body and fully be with the sensations of pleasure that were arising under his touch. Overall I found it to be a comforting and soothing experience, once I got used to it.
The next time, I chose to have him help me remove my clothes and then touch me naked. He helped me slowly and tenderly, and I cried because it was the first time I had experienced being so tenderly and lovingly touched the way my body longed for when easing into sexual touch.
I laid down on the massage table and he slowly massaged all over my body – giving me a relaxing back and shoulder massage, even playing with my hair a bit. As my body relaxed more deeply on the table, I was able to feel more and more pleasure in my body beneath his touch. I felt the fire activated between my legs.
During this session he only slightly grazed my pussy. I wasn’t ready for him to fully go there, yet. I was deeply enjoying the sensation of easing my way in to experiencing his touch.
When I did finally allow him to stimulate my pussy during a session, I experienced a wide range of emotions, but the deepest was the feeling of bliss at the end of the session. It had been so long since I had been given such a long, slow, sensual, orgasmic experience… actually it had been never. I had never experienced it. Nothing compared.
Further exploring and honoring my sexual desires has now become a way of life for me, and yoni massage was an integral part of beginning that exploration. Because I learned to trust a yoni massage practitioner, I am now able to explore my sexuality in healthy, consensual relationships, as well. I feel deeply honored and respected by my partners.
I will never deny my deep desire for pleasure and passion, again. It is built into who I am, and yoni massage was an incredible way to explore what is possible for me in this realm. I’m really glad I found an erotic massage therapy Seattle based place so that I could connect to my passion again.